Stepparenting and Forgiveness

This week I started a four week course on Forgiveness at the local Jewish Community Center. The program uses the film The Power of Forgiveness, about the Amish community's reaction to the school house murders a few years ago, as a starting point for the weekly discussions. My experience with forgiveness is central to my life as a stepparent. I love my stepkids but my stepdaughter had a lot of difficulties in adolescence and a lot of this behavior was destructive and disruptive toward our relationship and toward our family. Because I loved her though, anger could never take root. I spontaneously forgave her as she was inflicting pain on our lives and on her own life. This wasn't a matter of self interest or deliberation for me, it was spontaneous. Could I get to the point where I would forgive someone I don't love? Can our larger community get to a point where it emulates the Amish community? The questions are difficult ones and its interesting that the discussion is taking place at the JCC. The Amish idea of forgiveness is to forgive and forget and not to argue with God. Many in the Jewish community have vowed never to forget. Can you get angry with God? A dear Christian friend says you can and she does. I'm looking forward to the next three weeks. Shalom.

Establishing Yourself

You've married their mother, you've moved in to their house and now how to get yourself established as a member of the family? Your new spouse will tell them "He's part of the family" but that is meaningless. First, be kind. My parents weren't divorced so I never had a stranger move into my house. They're scared. What will change? What will he do or try to make us do? What have we been doing that he won't let us do anymore? Tread lightly. Take some interest in what they find interesting even if its dreadful MTV reality shows or inane hip hop music. I did and found out that I like a lot of hip hop music and that my stepson had pretty high standards for what he listened to. He thought "Bling" or "gangster" rap was ridiculous and he liked the story telling of underground hip hop. My stepdaughter and I would watch MTV reality shows and talk about the characters but we were really talking to each other. It was our main form of communication during the mid teen years. She was to have her struggles later on but when she did, we had a history of communication and, as ridiculous as it seems, it was established watching moronic college aged kids try to live together in luxurious apartments in cool places on MTV's Real World. Also, take time with each child, one on one, as much as possible. I use to always tuck in my stepson when he was small. A quick "goodnight" and a kiss on the forehead is a better way to establish yourself than some arbitrary rules. They're scared and, if you have any sense, you are too. I know I was.

Now Start Juggling...

Another challenging aspect of becoming a stepparent is that you are also just married. You and your new spouse don't really get a period when its just the two of you. The pre-children patterns and conflicts aren't established because you're in an instant family. If you need to have a knock down, drag out fight ( and I mean verbally and even so, no hitting below the belt) and I believe couples do need that, the new stepparent may be reluctant to engage in front of the new step kids. I know I was. It was important to me that my step kids understand that I was there to stay and that the home environment was going to be more stable than what they had been use to. The consequence was that my wife and I sublimated these conflicts for the sake of the kids and it was to the detriment of our marriage. Of course this is all 20/20 hindsight by me and I certainly didn't realize this problem as I was creating it. Its apparent to me that this series is going to be filled with short quick random posts like this one. Thats sort of how my thinking is these days.

What is a Stepparent ?

A stepparent is defined by negatives. You are not a biological parent, you don't look like your stepchildren. You haven't always been there if you come onto the scene after the kids become cognizant of their situation (i.e. older than three or four). The step kids may harbor suspicions that you're only there to be with their parent and that they're excess baggage that you were generous enough to assume responsibility for though you'd prefer that they were not there. Your authority isn't something they grew up with, it has to be established. All the agreements with your spouse about what you can and can't do may go out the window when one of the kids pushes back. The rest of the family may have set up established patterns of behavior between each other that you are not aware of until you are actually living with them. Discussions with your spouse may not fully capture the step kids actual experiences in their lives. One of the kids may have had a "bad" relationship with their father or you may just accept the idea that things at home were "not good" and see yourself as a healer. No matter how much time you spend with your new spouse and the step kids before you get married, you really will not have a full comprehension of what forces are in play between you, your spouse and kids.

The answer to my question "What is a stepparent" is answered by enumerating the qualities you have to possess. Flexibility is one of the primary characteristics of a good stepparent. The flip side is you can't be a pushover. You have to be supportive of the kids but it can't be forced, kids see right through that. I think being a stepparent is like being a tight rope walker with on the job training being the only preparation. How do you get to the other side? Thats the question for the next in this series.