A stepparent is defined by negatives. You are not a biological parent, you don't look like your stepchildren. You haven't always been there if you come onto the scene after the kids become cognizant of their situation (i.e. older than three or four). The step kids may harbor suspicions that you're only there to be with their parent and that they're excess baggage that you were generous enough to assume responsibility for though you'd prefer that they were not there. Your authority isn't something they grew up with, it has to be established. All the agreements with your spouse about what you can and can't do may go out the window when one of the kids pushes back. The rest of the family may have set up established patterns of behavior between each other that you are not aware of until you are actually living with them. Discussions with your spouse may not fully capture the step kids actual experiences in their lives. One of the kids may have had a "bad" relationship with their father or you may just accept the idea that things at home were "not good" and see yourself as a healer. No matter how much time you spend with your new spouse and the step kids before you get married, you really will not have a full comprehension of what forces are in play between you, your spouse and kids.
The answer to my question "What is a stepparent" is answered by enumerating the qualities you have to possess. Flexibility is one of the primary characteristics of a good stepparent. The flip side is you can't be a pushover. You have to be supportive of the kids but it can't be forced, kids see right through that. I think being a stepparent is like being a tight rope walker with on the job training being the only preparation. How do you get to the other side? Thats the question for the next in this series.
